Better Husband

7 Qualities of a Truly Good Man

• Episode 46

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In this episode of 'We Are The Men,' host Angelo Santiago explores seven key qualities that define a truly good man, according to psychology. Angelo shares personal experiences, scientific studies, and practical tips for self-improvement, inviting viewers to reflect on their own lives. Learn how to become a better husband, father, community leader, and overall human being.
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Connect with Angelo: angelo@wearethemen.com
Source Article: https://smallbusinessbonfire.com/7-qualities-of-a-truly-good-man-according-to-psychology/

00:00 Introduction: What Makes a Truly Good Man?
00:31 Exploring the Seven Qualities of a Truly Good Man
02:00 Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation
04:53 Authenticity: Being True to Yourself
07:28 Responsibility: Owning Your Actions
09:37 Respectfulness: Valuing Others Equally
11:24 Humility: Embracing a Learning Mindset
13:41 Generosity: Giving Beyond Material
15:20 Integrity: Consistency in Words and Actions
16:37 Conclusion: Reflecting on the Seven Qualities

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7 Qualities of a Truly Good Man (Podcast)
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Introduction: What Makes a Truly Good Man?
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Angelo: So what makes a truly good man? That's a question that I could pose to ten different guys and get a whole bunch of different answers. Because the reality is, wherever you are in your life, what life experience you've had, what's been most important for you in your relationships, are the things that you are going to prioritize.

But the other day I got fed a article through Google of seven qualities of a truly good man according to psychology. And it piqued my interest because I wanted to see what they have to say. 


Exploring the Seven Qualities of a Truly Good Man
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Angelo: And so in today's episode, I'm going to be looking over these qualities that's listed explore a little bit about my own personal experience with those and share that with you, as well as some of the data around studies involving these qualities, and invite you to ask yourself these questions Where do I sit with this one or two or three different qualities?

Are they high up on my priority? Are they something that I've mastered? Are they something that I'm struggling with? And you get to reflect in your own life about What it is that you need moving forward to make yourself that better Husband, that better father, that better community leader that better man.

So let's get started.



Angelo: Welcome back to We Are The Men. I'm Angelo Santiago, and this is the show that invites you to really reflect on what it means to be a man in our modern culture, as well as how it would look to for you to refine yourself as a husband, a father, a leader, a member of your community. And so today, as I mentioned, we're going to be looking at a list of qualities that according to one article psychology deems the seven most important qualities that every good man has.

And in case you're interested, I'm going to add a link to the article that I'm referencing in the show notes so you can take a read for yourself.

The first one on the list is not a surprise to me. This is definitely one that I would put at the higher end of the list if I was creating it. 


Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation
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Angelo: And that is emotional intelligence.

And it's super critical because this is one where many men are lacking. Many men are struggling with because in the way that most of us were brought up as boys, emotional intelligence was not emphasized. It was not something that was tended to and cared for and encouraged.

And if you've been following the show for some time, you've heard my story, and I talk a lot about my challenges with emotional intelligence.

How I tended to gravitate towards a certain set of emotions outwardly, like happiness and joy and laughter, playfulness 

and then other ones, I would kind of hide away, like my anger, my sadness,

All sorts of challenges came up in my life because of this inability to experience it all, process it all, be able to share about it, be able to feel it and express it.

Learning about my emotions, learning about why they're showing up for me, learning what is being asked of me, how I can move through 'em, how I can release them and learn from them, and share them with others has been just monumental in my growth as a man, and particularly as a husband and as a father, because being able to be.

open and clear with my emotions with my wife and being able to be emotional with my son it has just Intensified the level of connection and love that we're able to create in our family

There's a book by an author, Daniel Goleman entitled Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, that really starts focusing on the benefits of having high emotional intelligence compared to high IQ

In Goleman's book, he actually attributes that 67 percent of abilities deemed to be essential for effective leadership are emotional intelligence based.

That means two thirds of the abilities necessary to be an effective leader relies on your ability to connect with your emotions.

As humans, we are relational creatures. And so it's very clear that emotional intelligence is such a key part of how we interact with each other. So if you want to find success for yourself, not only at home, but in business, in your community, as a man, you have to nurture and tend to your emotional intelligence.

And like I said earlier, That can be a challenging thing because for many of us, it's not something that we grew up with. So this is something for you to focus on, whether it's to read books, to engage in men's groups, to go on retreats, to get help through therapy, through working with a coach, through doing whatever is necessary for you to be able to break down the walls that are preventing you from connecting with your emotions.

In my opinion, this needs to be a high priority for every man.


Authenticity: Being True to Yourself
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Angelo: The second quality that comes up on the article is authenticity. And that's a word that I hear used a lot. You know, you gotta be authentic. You know, you gotta be open and true to yourself and who you really are. And at first I kinda had a hard time understanding, like, what are you talking about? How am I not being authentic?

And then as I started to break down the barriers that were preventing me from being fully open, from actually being authentic, Talking to you right now, 

I realized that I was hiding parts of myself. I felt uncomfortable showing parts of myself because I deemed them to be not good enough or not lovable or I was too worried about what other people would think, and so I started to repress the real me.

And we all do this in some way or another. Whether it's great things about us that we want to kind of minimize because we don't want to be too loud or boisterous or there are things that we're ashamed of or Feel not good enough that prevents us from truly trying something new. Being authentic to yourself, being in full authenticity is just being you showing the world who you are and allowing others to just accept you as you are.

And not allowing what other people think about you prevent you from being true to yourself.

In the culture we live in through social media and just our desire to be liked and get those thumbs up and get the follows, many people put out a persona of themselves that is not true. That is just what they want to put out. And I I strive to the best of my ability on this show to let you guys know, what am I going through?

What are my challenges? What are my wins? What are the things that I faced in the past and what am I still struggling with? Where am I going? Like to be real clear and to be open and honest and authentic.

So yes, this one is high on my list as well.

There's a study that was done in 2003 that linked one's self esteem to their ability to be authentic. To actually be true to themselves in the outside world. And they found that there was a measurable 15 percent increase in life satisfaction just from the ability to be fully authentic.

They also attributed to lower stress levels, which I'm pretty sure all of us could benefit from. .

Angelo: So, the invitation for you is to ask yourself, where am I hiding? Where am I not willing to be fully open and authentic and real and honor myself just as I am?

The next quality that comes up, I mean, they're all good ones. 


Responsibility: Owning Your Actions
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Angelo: This one is, of course, a key one that I've heard many times from many people, and that's responsibility. Is being able to take ownership of mistakes you've made, of being responsible for the actions that you've committed to doing.

One of the biggest things that helped change my life was Taking ownership for the mess I had made in my life up until the point I decided to make a change. It wasn't just about, hey, from today on everything is going to change and everything is going to be better and I can forget about the past.

Yes, I don't want the past to weigh me down, but I can only release it and let go of it. Once I'm able to take responsibility of it. Once I'm able to see where I've caused harm. Where, once I'm able to make amends to those that I've caused harm to, including the harm I've caused to myself.

The interesting thing about responsibility is that once you take ownership of those things, the heaviness and the weight begin to shake off of you.

Trying to deny it or pretend like now that things have changed, I don't have to worry about it and we can move on. That's bypassing the important step of being able to own your past.

There's an article here in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that was published in 2011 that found that individuals who accepted personal responsibility for their actions actually mature and grow at a faster rate both professionally and emotionally. In the study, they saw that within a six month period, 60 percent of participants who demonstrated personal accountability saw improvement in their job performance.

And I want to say that this translates also to your home life, to your friendships, right? When you are able to be responsible, be responsible, take ownership for your mistakes and actually have a conversation openly with those that were involved, that is the beginning of repair and to build trust and to increase the general wellbeing of the household and the friendships that you have.


Respectfulness: Valuing Others Equally
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Angelo: The next one on the list, Respectfulness.

Now, this isn't just about being polite, right? It's not just about being a nice guy. It's not about being making sure everyone's happy and comfortable. This is about treating people equally. Treating people with respect, with an understanding that their worth and their value is equal amongst everyone around them.

To me, this also has a lot to do with judgment and criticism.

When I meet somebody for the first time, can I let go of any story or idea that I have about them based on the way they're dressed, the way they look, the way they talk to me, the stories that they're telling me, and just be open and respectful.

And it's not just about showing respect for others, but it's also your willingness to receive the respect that others are giving you. Do not push it away to not feel undeserving of the respect that people give you.

I know for a lot of men, we like to say, you know, it's no big deal, you know, no, no worries.

It's fine. Yeah. But it's like when people are openly thanking you and valuing you and treating you with the level of respect that you deserve, can you be open and receive it?

Because that plays into a study that was done in 1987 that showed that if People who show and receive respect in their relationships report 25 percent higher emotional well being than those who don't.

So check in with yourself. Are you being respectful to those around you? Are you willing to receive the respect that others are showing you, or are you minimizing or pushing it away because you don't want to be at the center of attention?

Now here's the fine line between them, because here's the next quality. 


Humility: Embracing a Learning Mindset
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Angelo: Humility.

Being humble is realizing that you don't need to be the center of attention all the time. That even if you do something incredible and the spotlight doesn't come on to you, it doesn't diminish the value of what you've created. 

Being humble also means being willing to be a student again, to learn from others, to know that you don't have all the answers. That sometimes as men, we just want to fix problems and the faster we do it, the quicker they'll go away, but sometimes we don't have the solution, and can we be honest about that?

Can we ask for help when we need it?

Are we willing to change and adapt and to shift to something new when we realize that our way isn't the right way anymore?

Humility for me was something that I had to practice to really get comfortable with it because the way that I was brought up, and maybe it was similar for you, 

I was driven to achieve, to succeed, to get the best grades, to be at the top of my class, to go to the best schools, to get the best degree, to get the best job, to be recognized, to be the one, right, the smartest, the fastest, the whatever.

The society in which we live in sometimes we're pushed to stand out, to be great.

And so So, sometimes we forget to be humble.

In a study in 2004, where they studied people's practice of humility, they showed that it was linked with better conflict resolution, and better interpersonal relationship, and actually led to a 17 percent higher life satisfaction rate.

We got two more left, but before I go on, if you're listening to this podcast for the first time, or if you're coming back from a lot of episodes and you haven't done so yet, please, please, please take a moment to rate the podcast. This helps me reach more listeners, connect with more men, and share this important message with a wider audience.

So I would greatly appreciate your support with that.


Generosity: Giving Beyond Material
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Angelo: So the next one, generosity.

And this goes way beyond just being generous with your money, right? Making donations to causes that you care about or helping people with food or other material items that they may need. I mean, that is huge. There's a lot of people in need. Don't get me wrong, but how generous are you with your time and your attention, your presence, your love yourself?

In my story, which maybe you've heard before, I was all about service. Generosity and being a man of service was one of the number one things in my life.

I showed this through volunteering with a homeless youth non profit when I lived in San Francisco for 10 years. I also did this when I transitioned my careers from being an engineer to being a firefighter and really being devoted to helping people in their time of need.

But it really challenged me to explore what it meant to be generous with my heart and my love and my presence in my marriage. That was something that I wasn't prioritizing as much.

And so learning to do that and practicing that and getting support with that has been a key part in changing how happy I am in my life and how I am as a husband and as a father.

So, how generous are you being with all those things? Whether it is financial, or whether it is with your time and presence and the actions that you take. Is this something that you prioritize? Is this something you want to do more of? Reflect on that, and if it is, start thinking about how you can do that.

And who is the recipient of your generosity?


Integrity: Consistency in Words and Actions
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Angelo: And the last one they put on the list, which is interesting that they put it at the bottom, I don't know if they meant it to be the most important or just the last one on the list, but to me, it's one of the most important, and that's integrity.

Integrity is being consistent with your words, your actions, your values.

To be the man that you say you are. Not only write it down on paper and say this is what I stand for, but actually looking at your day to day actions and how you interact with others and what you do with your time and how present you are with others. Do these actions actually represent a man who stands up for the values that you say you do?

Integrity comes with honesty. To being truthful to those around you.

In the past, in my life, I hid so much. I hid from others, I hid from myself, and it took a huge change in who I am to rip out all those lies and become a man of integrity.

Like I mentioned in some of the others, this is something that has dramatically changed my life. So if you're struggling with honesty, with integrity, really encourage you to put that at the top of your list and focus on what you need to do and what support you need to become a man of integrity.


Conclusion: Reflecting on the Seven Qualities
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Angelo: Alright, so those are the seven. Emotional intelligence, authenticity, responsibility, respectfulness, humility, generosity, integrity. Now if you were making the list, would those be the seven you put on your list? Or do you have some others that weren't included? Also, think about how would you arrange them in terms of what the priority is for you right now.

And realize that throughout your life, those may change depending on your circumstances and what you're facing and the challenges that are coming up for you, or just where you want to improve yourself as a man. But I invite you to take that list and give yourself a rating. Of, of where you are currently, and then think about where you want to be.

And then what actions you need to take in your life to get there.

I personally love this list. I think all these seven are great. qualities are extremely important to be a truly good man. There are ones that I have worked on and continue to work on because this is not about perfection. It's about progress. And so let's do this together because remember you are not alone in this journey of defining yourself as a man in our modern culture to refining yourself as a husband, a father, a leader.

Thank you for being here and . I'm Angelo Santiago, and we are the men.