3 Reasons Every Man Needs a Men's Group

In this episode of We Are The Men, I share my thoughts on the profound impact of men's groups on personal growth and relationships. I share my own journey from skepticism to life-changing experiences in a men's group, emphasizing the importance of community and connection for men. I also outline three key reasons why these groups are essential: getting out of one's head, learning to listen, and embracing accountability. By participating in a men's group, men can break free from isolation, improve their relationships, and gain the support needed to navigate life's challenges. 
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Connect with Angelo
Website: https://www.angelosantiago.com/
Email: angelo@angelosantiago.com
YT: https://www.youtube.com/@weare.themen

00:00 Introduction: Why You NEED a Men's Group
00:52 My Personal Journey: From Skepticism to Transformation
03:30 The Impact of Men's Groups on Personal Growth
04:48 Reason 1: Getting Out of Your Head
08:19 Reason 2: The Art of Listening
12:30 Reason 3: The Importance of Accountability
16:48 Conclusion: Embrace the Change. The Time is NOW!

Transcript

3 Reason Every Man Need's a Men's Group
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[00:00:00] 


Introduction: Why You NEED a Men's Group
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Angelo Santiago: If you think you can go at it alone in this life, think again. Every man deserves a tribe. And in today's episode, I'm going to share why I think every man needs to be in a men's group. And specifically, I'm going to give you three reasons why I think this is true. I'm also going to share my own personal experience about what being in men's group has done for me and how it's changed my lives in ways that I could have never imagined and how it's an integral part of how I keep going.

And how I'm able to show up every week here on We Are The Men and share about it, talk to other men, hear their experiences, and give all the wisdom that I've learned through it to you, the listener. And so,

stick around, you're not going to want to miss this one, because I'm telling you, being in a men's group could change your life.

[00:01:00] 


My Personal Journey: From Skepticism to Transformation
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Angelo Santiago: Welcome back to We Are The Men, I'm Angelo Santiago, and as I mentioned, today we're talking all about men's groups. And if you had come to me about four years ago, I would have either not had any idea what the heck you were talking about when you said men's group, or two, I would be like, nah, I'm okay, I don't need that, that sounds like something ridiculous, that's not for me.

But the me right now is going to be full on honest with you and tell you that this has changed my life for the better in so many ways.

The first time I ever even had the understanding of what a men's group is or a men's retreat was, was when my wife pulled out her phone and showed me a video of men out in the Southern California desert doing stuff that I was just in complete judgment on. They were screaming, they were crying, they were fighting, they were doing all this stuff that I was just like, okay, who are these guys?

What's up, [00:02:00] what's wrong with them, and what makes you think that I need that?

I was in so much judgment. I was thinking about how ridiculous it all looked, I was thinking that I'm okay, I can do this on my own, I don't need whatever it is that they're selling, which is the way that I looked at it. And not only that, I was believing that this was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

I didn't know anyone who had ever been a part of a men's group. I didn't know any stories of men who had actually changed their lives from doing anything like that. And so I had no idea what it was even for.

So to say I was hesitant would be minimizing the reality of how I actually felt. But something inside of me knew that life was not going the way that I thought it would. I was really unhappy. I felt lonely even though I had people around me. I didn't really know how to talk about anything beyond a surface level conversation of sports and the weather and work [00:03:00] and trips and things like that.

And so I thought to myself, what makes My wife think that me going out to the desert for several days with a bunch of guys is going to make me all of a sudden change and open up and share my feelings and talk about what's wrong and why I'm struggling with people I've never even met before. I mean the whole concept of it sounded totally ridiculous and in my mind at the time it was and me now talking to you about it is to tell you that Man, I had no idea what I was getting into and the changes that have happened in my life because of a men's group is Something that I am forever grateful for.


The Impact of Men's Groups on Personal Growth
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Angelo Santiago: Being a part of that Retreat and then coming back home and finding resources where I live locally where men were coming together to connect has allowed me to share more openly, has allowed me to talk about problems that I'm going through, has allowed me to celebrate like [00:04:00] massive wins in my life, has allowed me to learn how to engage with other men at a deeper level, and has allowed me to express myself in so many ways.

Me talking to you right now, being one of those ways.

And in learning how to do that in the men's space, also helped me bring that home. It's allowed me to be more vulnerable with my wife, to be more attentive to her needs and her emotions, to be more grounded in myself. And as a father, it's allowed me to be more present for my son and the massive emotions that he experiences on a minute to minute level.

Whereas otherwise my past self would have been really uncomfortable with his tears or his tantrums or, you know, his anger. I would have no idea how to be with him on it. And so how could I possibly raise an emotionally intelligent young boy if I myself as a man had no idea how to do it on my own?


Reason 1: Getting Out of Your Head
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Angelo Santiago: So here are the [00:05:00] three top reasons. Even though I could probably give you ten, I'm gonna narrow it down to the most important ones because I think these alone should encourage every man to take the steps necessary to connect with a men's group either locally or online or go on a retreat. Because, like I said at the beginning, this could forever change your life.

So one of the most important things it did for me, and I see it happen with so many men that step into this space, is it gets us out of our head. It got me out of my head. I am a logical, structured person who loves to think and solve problems quietly in my mind. And although that's a really an amazing strength that I have this capacity to look at something and break it down and, and try and put it together in different ways and try different things and solve problems.

It also gets me stuck a lot of the times because some problems I can't solve in my mind. And so I get stuck in there and I get in these loops and I lose sleep over and I wake up [00:06:00] thinking about things and I'm in silence, kind of like lost in a daze throughout life because I have. Issues and challenges that I don't know what to do about and being in a men's space where I can just come and Just talk about them and just just blurt it out not looking for an answer from anybody But just to get it out of my head so that I could even hear myself saying the words of what's going on is an extremely Powerful thing at least it was for me

So many men, including myself, have been conditioned to keep to themselves, to not bother other people with their troubles, to not call and ask for help because, you know, I don't want to bother anybody, I don't want to take up their time, it feels uncomfortable to be the center of attention when I should be able to figure it out on my own.

But being in these mental loops and feeling stuck in that way only distances you from everyone around you. And so [00:07:00] when your child wants to connect and you're stuck in this loop about work or about something that's going on with your family, You're not actually present with the person who's right in front of you.

And that ruins relationships. That's what keeps friendships from going to a deeper level because we don't want to talk about these things. And then we feel isolated. We feel alone. And in some weird way, even though we're not actively seeking other people to help us with our challenges, we feel like nobody cares about us.

And that's a bad place to be. And so being able to step into a space where I know I can share whatever needs to be said Confidentially that these other men are gonna hear me out and not try to fix me or say that anything's wrong with me or judge Me or consider me crazy or weird for saying it is a relief It takes the load off my shoulder and off my mind

And again, just saying the words out [00:08:00] loud and getting out of my head. is so relieving and it has been a powerful practice that I continue to this day with not only in men's groups, but I'm also able to do that in friendships. I'm able to do that in my marriage. I'm able to do that in so many more places because I know it's beneficial.

It helps me. It helps me become a better man, husband, father, friend, leader, all of those things.




Reason 2: The Art of Listening
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Angelo Santiago: Number two is actually the exact opposite of this learning how to listen to others is a Incredibly important things that so many of us haven't ever learned at least I never had Yeah, I could have somebody talking to me and telling me about their problems, but in my rational problem solving brain, I was listening to them to try and help them solve their issue.

Trying to take apart whatever it is that they were going through and put it back together in a cleaner way [00:09:00] and suggest, hey, you should try this, you should try that. Where the reality is sometimes They just want to be heard. They just want to do the thing that I just mentioned in number one, which is like, get this out of my head.

I just want to stop thinking about it. Let me just say it out loud and you don't need to fix me, but are you willing to listen to me and accept me for all the messiness that I am? And so being in a men's group had me sitting in a circle with other men, being able to hear them. Being able to connect with them and not having to understand everything that they're going through or have had gone through the same thing as them.

But could I just. Be present with them. Could I just listen to them and have a person for them to unload Whatever it is that they were struggling with without judgment without making them wrong without thinking it's silly without minimizing it without getting Sarcastic or uncomfortable without making jokes to try and diffuse the intensity of whatever the conversation was about

The other thing that does [00:10:00] is that listening to other men's stories allows me to see the similarities of the challenges that we all go through. When I hear another man share about his problems in his career or his problems in his family life or in his relationship, I can see myself in his story even if the details are completely different.

And what that does for me is that it allows me to remember. That I'm not alone in the struggles that I go through, that my problems aren't unique to me. You see a lot of this in recovery programs, the idea of bringing people who are struggling with addictions together and just openly share about their challenges and their wins and the shame they feel and the guilt from the, the, the pain that they've caused and hearing other people understand them and share similar stories creates a bond that promotes togetherness, that promotes connection, and removing ourselves from this isolation of believing that [00:11:00] we're alone in our suffering gives us hope that, hey, if others can do this, then I can do it too, and I don't have to do it alone.

It's really easy to feel like you're the only one struggling through something. until you actually hear somebody else share the same thing.

And in a similar way, the most powerful moment I've had in my development as a man came at that first retreat that I mentioned, where I watched a man share, and he was a young man in his, in his twenties, and he was sharing about his father. And I had just become a father. And even though I couldn't relate to his story as looking at how My upbringing was with my father.

I could see my son in him I could see my son being the one in the center of the circle talking about his father not being present not being available not being Emotionally capable to be with him and in that moment. I saw myself as this man's father And that [00:12:00] really hit me in the heart as a new dad, I was like, no way am I going to raise a son who's going to need this support because I wasn't around.

And once again, just like the first one, in learning how to listen to other men and their stories, I was able to bring that home and be able to sit and listen. with my wife and listen to what she had to share without having to fix, without having to problem solve, without having to suggest that she was doing something wrong or pointing her in another direction, but just to be there for her.

And that has been an incredibly intimacy creating experience for us. And so that's reason number two.


Reason 3: The Importance of Accountability
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Angelo Santiago: And finally, number three, which I think is something that we all need, accountability. Being in a men's group and seeing the same men over and over again over the course of weeks and months and even years allows us to get to know each other and hold each other accountable [00:13:00] to do the things that we say we're going to do.

Look, I'm all about holding myself accountable, and I do, and sometimes life gets so busy and other factors get in the way, or maybe I get so far along a certain path, and then I run into a roadblock that I wasn't expecting, and part of me wants to give up, and I forget about why I started in the first place.

And having other men who know why I'm doing the thing I'm doing. And then when I come in and kind of start making excuses, it's, they get to lovingly confront me and being like, Hey man, but you said, this is what you wanted. And if I don't have a good reason as to why I'm changing courses or making a left turn when I should have been making a right turn, they're going to remind me that, you know what?

Yeah, that was the goal of this mission. And they're going to be the ones to encourage me to keep going.

They're also going to know when I'm full of it. When I'm just making stuff up because I don't want to do something when I'm being out of character because [00:14:00] they've learned what my character is. They've learned what my vision is. They've learned what my values are because I've shared it with them. I've told them, I've stood there and I said, this is what matters to me.

Family is so important to me. This mission of we are the men is so important to me to be able to help others. And when I start to stray from that, they just ask me questions. They don't scold me, they don't shame me, they just remind me and invite me to take a deeper look as to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, what are my fears, what am I not saying that needs to be said.

And a good men's group is going to call you in instead of call you out.

I've not only been part of men's groups, but I've also hosted men's group, both for friends of mine and also clients that I've worked with. And being in that group dynamic, you get to see men progress through their experience of life in [00:15:00] so many different ways. And you get to see each other and celebrate each other when there's amazing things happen.

And you get to comfort each other when challenges just hit you super hard. Because they will. Life will come at you in unexpected ways, but having other men to help pick you up when you've fallen is something that makes you so much more powerful, so much stronger, so much more capable and dedicated, because it once again reminds you that you're not alone in this.

You don't have to figure it out on your own, nor should you.

So, I'm here to tell you the three reasons why every man needs to be in a men's group is one, to get out of your head, to get out of that stuckness, that mental loop of, of not being able to figure something out and just saying it out loud in front of others to get the weight off of you and allow you to be present in the moment and see [00:16:00] life in a different way without being stuck in your mind.

Number two, to learn how to listen to others with compassion, non judgmental acceptance. To be available for others to reach out to you when they need help so that you can be of service. 

And finally, number three, accountability. To have others help pick you up when you've fallen. To help others remind you lovingly when you were straying from what you said you were going to do. 

To have them be that mirror for you that you need.

And all of these things are not only, like I said, incredible for you, but they will completely alter all of your relationships. Not only at home with your, your family, but also at work, in your community, wherever it is that you are a part of a relationship, being in a men's group will only strengthen you in that place.


Conclusion: Embrace the Change. The Time is NOW!
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Angelo Santiago: The truth is that no [00:17:00] man should walk this path alone.

If you're feeling alone or isolated or unsure of which direction to go, being a part of a men's group could be the thing that changes the course of your life. My encouragement to you is to find a group locally or online or go to a men's retreat to experience it to almost catalyze your movement towards this.

Take that step today. Don't let this conversation, what you're hearing from me, be where this walk ends for you. Keep moving towards the thing that you know may be the answer for you.

If you need help on that next step, reach out to me. You can find in the show notes a way to email me or text me so that I can be a support system for you. Because I want to see every man win. I want to see you win. Because I know when you start winning, it ripples out all around you. And as we all start doing our own [00:18:00] part, the world begins to shift and change.

And that's what I'm here for.

Because the time for change is right now.

Thank you for joining me. I'm Angelo Santiago. This is We Are The Men. Please take a moment to subscribe or follow, rate, if any of what I've shared today hits you and you feel like, yes, this is a yes. Help me reach more men by supporting me and my mission. in my vision because all of you listening right now are part of my men's group that is accountability for me, that is a place for me to share and a place for me to listen.

So feel free to reach out. I look forward to hearing from you and I'll see you on the next one.