How to Truly Live Authentically with Ray Martin

In this episode of 'We Are The Men,' host Angelo Santiago sits down with Ray Martin, an entrepreneur and award-winning business leader on a mission to empower people to live authentically. Ray shares his transformative journey from a successful businessman to finding his true calling as a coach and mentor. Following personal tragedies, Ray embarked on a six-month sabbatical, marking the start of his transformation into 'The Daily Explorer.' Through building self-awareness, owning experiences, and becoming one's own observer, Ray has found fulfillment helping others discover their authentic selves. Tune in for an inspiring conversation on embracing life's challenges and living from the inside out.

Connect with Angelo
Email: angelo@angelosantiago.com

Connect with Ray
https://www.lifewithoutatie.com/

00:00 Introduction to Ray Martin

00:47 The Origin of the nickname:'The Daily Explorer'

04:05 Personal Tragedies and Turning Points

07:37 A Life-Changing Journey to Australia

12:24 Discovering a New Path

17:55 How to Live Authentically

18:46 Building a Foundation of Self-Awareness

21:23 The Power of Being in Your Element

22:36 Taking Ownership of Your Life

23:56 Becoming Your Own Observer

26:59 Living a Life Aligned with Your Values

32:04 The Journey of Reinvention

35:39 Final Thoughts and Reflections

Transcript

Defining Authentic Living with Ray Martin
===

Angelo Santiago: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the podcast before we get going. I want to let you know that there are some big. Big changes coming your way from, we are the men at the end of this month. So if. If you haven't yet make sure to hit that follow button to stay up to date with what's going. On. And now I want to introduce you to this episode, which my guests, Ray. And I have a great time talking about taking risks, talking. Talking about changing our focus from that voice of habit and comfort. To that voice of inner wisdom that we all carry within us. 

And finally, We focus on the characters that we play in our life versus our. Our true, authentic self and what it means to live a life of. Authenticity, Ray lays out three steps on how to meet. Your authentic self and where you can go from there. This is a great. Episode, check it out. Make sure to let me know what you think you. I can check out the show notes for a link to text me or email me with comments. That you have. I look forward to hearing from you. Enjoy the episode.


Introduction to Ray Martin
---

[00:01:00] 

Angelo Santiago: Welcome back to we are the men. I'm Angelo Santiago and my guest today is Ray Martin. He's an entrepreneur and award winning business leader, a coach, mentor, facilitator, speaker, writer, and a mindfulness teacher. he's on a mission to empower people to live authentically and to bring more joy and happiness into the world, which is a mission and a vision that I can certainly get behind. And so Ray, thank you so much for being on here. I'm excited to get to know you a little bit better, get to know your story and to see what from this conversation we can spread out to the listeners, to the world, really to, to bring.

What it is your mission to life. So thanks for being here. I'm excited to connect.

Ray Martin: Thank you. Angelo. I'm delighted to be here. Yeah, it's lovely to meet you.


The Origin of the nickname:'The Daily Explorer'
---

Angelo Santiago: So, I mean, the first question I have, when I got to know you is, you know, you, you have this [00:02:00] nickname, the daily Explorer, and I

Ray Martin: Yeah

Angelo Santiago: when people, you know, have something that they're called something that is like a name that has been either given to them or they feel so called to, to be known as, I want to know

Ray Martin: Yeah,

Angelo Santiago: tell me about the daily Explorer. What does that mean to you? And what do you want us to know about that?

Ray Martin: yeah. Yeah that the daily explorer the name came about when I went on a six month sabbatical in 2005 Following some really difficult personal tragedies that took place in my life, which I'm happy to speak about, but, um, that's how it starts. And so I, I left London thinking I was going to be away for six months and I wanted to stay connected with my friends and family back home and people that I knew, even though I was going to be backpacking around Asia and doing something completely different.

To me, one of the guiding principles I kind of set out for myself for that journey was. Connection to stay connected. So it came up. This is in 2005. If you can [00:03:00] remember that far back blogging was quite a new thing and I certainly never heard of it. I didn't know what it was. Um, um, so I decided to start a blog and it became known as the daily Explorer and it was a sort of catchy title, but it was also reflecting the fact that I absolutely love exploring new frontiers.

It's part of my set of values. I mean, When I've, when I've examined and reflected on what my values are, exploration always comes up as being a very important value for me. And I feel like for me to live my absolute best life, I've always got to be on the frontier in some part of my life. Whether it's learning a language, or being in a new place, or exposing myself to different thinking systems even.

You know, just exposing myself to different ideas, particularly in the spiritual realm, you know, which I think is quite sometimes hard to get your head around, but I like the mental struggle that I go through to kind of take on ideas on board that seem like so big and [00:04:00] so challenging to understand. I kind of like that.

Going through that, that journey. So, so the daily Explorer just became synonymous with my blog postings. And then the more and more I've worked in a coaching capacity, coaching people around Asia, which started from about 2011, 12, the more I started to use that reference as my, as my brand of coaching. And it's just stuck ever since.

And it's a fitting name, I think describes me very, very well.

Angelo Santiago: Yeah, I love the value of, of exploration that you talked

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: for me, I've always, I always like to focus on curiosity. You know, when I

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: I want to know a little bit about that. And I, and I tend to that value of curiosity, of getting curious, of not, not having judgments and being the explorer is, is like the embodiment of getting curious.

So I

Ray Martin: Yes.

Angelo Santiago: that. That, that is the thing that's kind of guiding you [00:05:00] of just trying to understand a little bit more, whether it's about

Ray Martin: Yes.

Angelo Santiago: or others or the spiritual world, um, all that. And, you know, my curiosity, my exploration

Ray Martin: Yeah, yeah, no,


Personal Tragedies and Turning Points
---

Angelo Santiago: story just to, we're going to get to where you are now and what the work is to you're doing in this mission.

But you mentioned there were some personal tragedies that's led you to kind of. Leave it all behind to take the sabbatical, to go backpacking. And that seems like the point of this major journey that you continue to be on. So, uh, fill us in a little bit of, of what was life like, what happened and, uh, where it took you.

Ray Martin: I was happy to do that, you know, I I think I followed the path that most kids are shown when they're growing up and going through school, etc, you know, that path typically sounded something like, you know, you get a really good job, you get a good career, you find a wife, you get a house, you get married, you have kids, get a mortgage, all that, all that kind of stuff, and you [00:06:00] don't really, I never had any reason to question that, I accepted that was the pursuit of happiness, was the accomplishment and achievement of those things.

So I never questioned that, just got on with doing it. Um, I was always, um, saw myself as the route to happiness being through becoming a respected and successful businessman. I just love the idea of business since I, even as a child, I used to play travel agents and shops in my, as a kid and get people to come and buy stuff.

I mean, I just loved it. So I always saw it that way. And of course my, my life went that way. I became the CEO of a company I founded when I was in my late thirties. And I was really driven to make that a company I'd be really proud of. And I also was kind of very disillusioned with how I'd been managed and led in businesses I've been employed in.

So I wanted to be a CEO and a leader that brought humanity, that brought dignity and really [00:07:00] respect and all these things that in, in the early two thousands, where I think in short supply in the business world, didn't want to be a hierarchical authoritarian leader. Wanted to be. Someone who was known for helping other people grow and develop and creating their opportunities for them to have their best life.

And that was all part of the vision I had. And that really worked for me and for everybody and got me a lot of attention in the UK and in 2002, I was given the business leader of the year award by the daily telegraph, which is a, you know, a well known newspaper that kind of like run these kinds of awards.

And I felt very proud of everything that I'd done with my business partner. Yeah. Who was the woman I was married to. So we'd had this shared vision for years. After that, about six months after that, I'll never forget the day she came back from a meeting and suddenly announced, I'm leaving you and I'm leaving the company.

And it was really horrible. I [00:08:00] mean, horrible. I mean, it's, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I felt like it was the end of the world, if I'm really honest, I couldn't see beyond that for quite some time, around about the same time that happened, my father got very ill and he shortly died shortly afterwards.

And, um, so within sort of a period of three or four months, I was kind of out of my home, my dad had gone, my marriage was ending, you know, the company was going to change massively because she was a very significant player in the company. And I, and I felt I was standing in a bomb crater of destruction, just turning 360 degrees and just seeing rubble everywhere.

And I, and I'd lost faith in life. I was like, I really just wanted to be taken away somewhere. 


A Life-Changing Journey to Australia
---

Ray Martin: Anyway, I was like that for about a year, probably. So a friend of mine said. Do you know what, Ray? In times of despair, when it's so bleak you can't see a way forward, there's something you could do that might just create a little crack in the universe opening for you and [00:09:00] something shifting.

I said, what's that? They said, well, find someone who really needs help and just go on a hundred percent commit to helping them. Forget about yourself. Just go into service and take care of someone. And I thought, given my circumstances, this was the best bit of advice I could get and it was my best option.

So I took it. I started making inquiries and I actually found out that one of my good friends who'd Moved to Australia with her husband a couple of years before, who I'd shared a house with when we were all much younger. She had breast cancer. So I reached out to her and I said, you know, I've heard this terrible news about you.

How about I come over for a month to Sydney, Australia, and just take care of you? Because she'd had a young son like a year or two before and her husband worked full time. And I knew that you could probably do with some help. She said, Oh, that would be great, Ray. Yeah, I'd love that. Yeah, please come.

That'd be brilliant. So I did. And I went there. And of course, at the end of the month, nothing had changed. I was still in the same doomy mindset because my [00:10:00] friend who gave me the advice didn't say there may be a time lag between you doing this and something happening, which is actually what did happen.

As I left my friend in Sydney, I still had a few days left on my ticket. So I went to another part of Australia to meet a friend who's living there. And she said, Oh, let's go to the theater. I'm going with my mom. You can join us if you want. So I went along and, uh, I cut a very long story short. I saw in the program for the play we were watching that they were auditioning for the next production at that theater.

And it was a British play about a member of parliament called out of order. And I knew the play. It's very well known. I said, I should be in that. Look at my, I've got the British accent, you know, it'd be perfectly great. And I said it completely as a joke because I wasn't an actor or really wanting to be in it.

And they said something to me that surprised me. They said, well, actually we know the director who's going to be doing the casting and the auditions on Sunday. Why don't you go? I said, [00:11:00] come on, I'm flying home on Tuesday. Even if I got a part, I can't be in it. I've got all these clients waiting to, I've got to work for, and I really need the money and blah, blah, blah.

They said, we'll just do it for fun. So I said, okay, I'll do it. So I was, threw myself into the audition, Angelo, and you never believe it. I got offered the leading role in the play. It's like the main character, 400 lines of script, you know, every in the 400 lines of dialogue in the script every night. Lots of comedic activities, a comedy.

So this is a comedic character. And uh, my sister-in-Law was actually a professional actress. So I contacted her and said, you know, I've been offered this. Do you think I could. Somehow get through this. He said, I'm thinking you can, I think you can. I'll get you the script from the shop in London and we'll go through it together.

But I think you could manage it. Yeah. I said to the director, I said, I need to think about this. This is a big decision for me because I'm, I'm financially strapped, you know, I need to work and I've got a big mortgage and I said, let me think about it. And then I sat and I thought, [00:12:00] as most people do, when they face these big decisions, what would confirm to me?

That this is the choice I need to take, you know, what this is the right thing to do, because it would be on paper a really terrible choice to go to Australia for three months and be in a play when I've got all these other commitments and what came to me in the Contemplation Act question was, I know I'll call the four clients that I've committed to help.

And I've booked dates with and I'll just, I won't lie or make up a story. I'll tell them this story. I'll say I've been in Australia. I went to this audition. I shouldn't have gone, but I did. And now they've offered me this part. And I had said to them, and this is probably going to sound really weird, but, and it felt weird to say it.

I said, I feel like God wants me to do this. You know, it's like, it's like being called to do this. It makes no sense to me on most levels, but I just know I need to do this. And the thing is, I'm, I'm, I, one of my other values, by the way, Angelo, is integrity. [00:13:00] It's very, very important to me that people keep their word. And I said to these four guys, I'm only going to do it if you tell me to my face that you give me your blessing and it's okay for me to postpone the work that I was going to do to when I come back.

And all four of them, all four of them said, I would go, Ray, go, yeah, please don't let me stop you, go. And I knew that once I'd had those four conversations, that was what I call my confirmation signal that that was the right decision. And I just went straight back to Australia and was in the play for three months.


Discovering a New Path
---

Ray Martin: And that totally changed my trajectory in life. It just completely blew my, my mindset apart. And that was the breakthrough that I think had been intended from the act of service. For

Angelo Santiago: Wow. Right. That

Ray Martin: That's a long story.

Angelo Santiago: that is, that is quite the unique story and I love it. I mean,

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: going to just, what I think is, you know, it's not strange to say God had a path here for you to take. And all you had to do is be [00:14:00] willing to, to accept it. 

Ray Martin: I was going to say, I say it's strange because I'm not a religious man. I don't go to church or anything like this, you know, so.

Angelo Santiago: I love that

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: that little bit of like, this is the strangest thing that I could have never predicted in my life. is upending everything that I've worked for and established. And I have this like foundation of what I believe it means to be a good man, to work hard, to build a business, to create this things. Suddenly my life is tumultuous and chaotic because of. of the situations that you shared with us. And thank

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: being so open about that, right?

That's like such a, a superpower to be able to be vulnerable like this. Um, and then your willingness to listen to the support and advice of your friends, to be of service, and then to experience life. As it showed up for you without these

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: and narrow vision, and it leads me to, to something that I want to reference to, to ask you, which is if somebody is listening right now [00:15:00] and they feel their life in there in that chaotic, noisy messiness and, and they're almost like, it's like, there's this quieter voice over here. Suggesting that, Hey, maybe try something totally different. You know, what's, what's, what was the thing for you that you're, that, that actually allowed you to, to silence the noise, to quiet the chaos that, that almost every ounce of your body is like, I got to face this to actually go this different path.

And what would you recommend for somebody who may be in that space right now?

Ray Martin: Yeah. It's a good question. And I, I'll answer it. I'm not sure it would apply to everyone, what I would say, but I felt, I was in a situation where I kind of lost everything so, so I had literally nothing to lose by taking that decision because I thought what's the worst that can happen? It would be a disaster and I'll just come back and pick up the work I was doing, you know, so I didn't feel like I was putting myself at risk in time, you know, in a way, [00:16:00] but there was a sense of energy that was coming from what you described as the voice of inner wisdom.

Let's say, and that, you know, in the book by Jack Pransky called what? What they should have told us, which is a brilliant book about this sort of stuff, he says, you've got your habit voice and your wisdom voice and they have very different sound and feel to them and I, my habit voice is talking to me all day long, every day, every night, so my wisdom voice pops up, it's, it's much more occasional and it has a different gravity to it, you know, completely, so when that happens, I, I know it's a different place in me, I know it's my wisest part speaking and, and I wasn't very, you know, Confident to trust it, but I trusted it enough at that moment to say, I've got this confirmation signal that all these people are backing me to do this.

My family were backing me. I think it's worth it. And I, and I, and as something I'm going to discover on the other side of this, [00:17:00] I don't know what it is, but the excitement of that was way without weighing the, the, the pressure to conform and stay in the character and the life I was in. And that's actually leads me to say what I discovered when I finished.

Being in the play, as I was flying back to London to resume my life, I had this feeling of dread in my body. And I thought, oh, this is interesting. Why am I feeling so dread and fearful about going back? Because I really wasn't excited about becoming Ray the businessman again. And then I suddenly thought, oh my God, oh my God, Ray the businessman is a character.

It's not actually me. Before I left, I thought it actually was me. But now I'd been three months being a character and wearing his clothes and doing his silly voice and learning how to be George. I realized that Ray was just a character that I created over 30 years slowly, but still a character had certain things.

He says certain things, he thinks certain routines, he wears [00:18:00] certain clothes, he lives a certain life. I thought Tony Robbins is the coach. He says, you know, you're not just the actor in your life. You're the script writer and the director too. And you can change your story. From any of those three places.

And suddenly I thought, I don't need to be ready. The businessman character, I can either change that character or end the series. Just, just completely say that's the last episode of that is now going to do something different. I felt like, um, probably like David Schwimmer who played Ross in friends, you know, didn't want to be Ross for the rest of his life as an actor.

So, uh, something like that.

Angelo Santiago: Yeah. And you know, changing the character, let's put it that way, or changing the story. We tell us ourselves of who we are and what,

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: identity can be a really scary thing because

Ray Martin: yeah.

Angelo Santiago: you know, the 3040 years that we've built this character up. And now it's like, you know

Ray Martin: Yes.

Angelo Santiago: time to not only start a new season or a new chapter. Maybe it's time [00:19:00] to, you know, Write a whole different book.

Ray Martin: Right.


How to Live Authentically
---

Angelo Santiago: and that leads me to something that is part of your mission. You're talking about empowering people to live authentically. And

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: what we're talking about here.

But the question I always like to ask is something I reflected on recently is like, what does it really mean to live authentically? Like, how do we find our authentic selves? Because when we're in the character, the businessman

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: we think that's who I am, and we haven't given ourselves the opportunity to actually look in the mirror and be like, am I businessman Ray?

Or is this just a mask I put on from all the outside pressures that I've learned from? And this is who I became. So

Ray Martin: yeah,

Angelo Santiago: how do you empower somebody to not only define What it means to be authentic, but to actually live it.

Ray Martin: yeah. 


Building a Foundation of Self-Awareness
---

Ray Martin: It's a great question. I mean, based on what I've experienced myself in my own journey and my work as a coach, the things that I [00:20:00] tend to focus on are things like building a strong foundation of self awareness. That's always the start. If you do not have self awareness, you haven't got a hope, so you've got to be willing to Spend much more time and be much more curious about what's going on on your inside than what's going on outside.

Almost what's going on outside becomes almost irrelevant. And we're, but we're oriented as we grow up as kids, we're oriented to an outside in way of living. It's like everything that happens outside is what you believe makes you happy on the inside. If you get a good job, you'll be happy. If you get a nice partner, you'll be happy.

So you attribute all of your happiness to external events and external circumstances. And you grow up thinking. Happiness is coming from the outside in but when you come to a crisis in your life That's sort of some magnitude you realize Actually, it's the other way around The way I am inside [00:21:00] is then amplified out into the world and I've physically manifest what's coming from my inside out and that's a massive and difficult reorientation and it's only possible with self awareness because To make that transition and orientate yourself that way, you have to know what are my values.

What's most importantly, every minute of every day and how I relate. What's my vision? Where am I? Where do I see myself? What's the picture I'm trying to paint? What's my purpose? Why am I here? What do I think my life's about? What are my empowering beliefs and what are my limiting beliefs? You know, what beliefs that I hold really help me grow and change?

What beliefs really stop me from taking risks and being courageous? When am I in my element? Sir Ken Robinson so beautifully described it. You know, when you've got things you're really good at and things you passionately care about, and you find some way of merging those two things so you can do work that crosses both, and it puts you in your element and you, [00:22:00] you've got endless energy, infinite energy when you're working in your element.

That's why people who play music and do those sorts of things are so amazing, you know, because they're doing something they love and everyone loves them doing it. Um, And on and on. So that all of those things are in the first step, which is to build a strong foundation of self awareness. Once you've got that, you're set.

Um, and how do you use that?

Angelo Santiago: thing I

Ray Martin: Yeah, please.

Angelo Santiago: you get into how you use that, because I think that's really important. 


The Power of Being in Your Element
---

Angelo Santiago: I just want to touch like that, what you spoke about of having infinite energy when you're in your element. just want to share that I've discovered that to be so true because

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: be, um, the, I had this conversation just. Yesterday with a friend of mine is he's kind of getting into that. He's really finding himself in his, in his passion and his element. And I described my experience that he really loved that I've shared on the show before, where I felt like when I was doing things that was not in my element, right? Like I was

Ray Martin: Oh, that's [00:23:00] hard, isn't it? It's such hard work.

Angelo Santiago: It felt like I felt like I was one of those runners with like a parachute on my back, right?

Ray Martin: Oh, yeah.

Angelo Santiago: And

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: found. The thing that I was really good at and the thing that I was passionate about and they came together, which is this work that I'm doing now, both, you know, on, we are the men and so many other things, it feels like the parachutes in front of me and the wind is just like dragging me forward.

And it's

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: me and everything I do and my energy and my desire to do it, my motivation, my excitement, the joy that I get out of it, the experiences that I have. And so I just wanted to. Amplify what you're talking about.

Ray Martin: Oh, I love it. I love it. We're on the same page there.

Angelo Santiago: yeah. So,

Ray Martin: Yeah,

Angelo Santiago: you keep going. So what

Ray Martin: that's okay. 


Taking Ownership of Your Life
---

Ray Martin: So then it's like, how do you use that? And the first thing I think is critical is to fully own everything that is happening and that happens in your life. You've got to take full responsibility for everything, whether you like it or not, you know, because not every event [00:24:00] that happens is pleasant and not every event that happens is what you'd like to happen.

You know, like look at the events I've described happen to me. I do. I created those events. You know, I was. A causal factor in those things happening. There's no way I could stand and say, that's my ex wife's fault or she did it. You know, I, I was poor me, you know, it, it, it wouldn't empower me to do that. It would, it was essential that I took a deep look at what did I do or not do that?

How was I showing up in that relationship? What was I, who was I being that led to that event happening? And without that willingness to take full ownership and reflect on that and, you Get feedback and really understand how I could improve that, you know, I wouldn't have been the person I am now. So I think that being willing to take ownership is the next step.

And then part of that, um, the third [00:25:00] step, I would say, would be what I call becoming your own observer. 


Becoming Your Own Observer
---

Ray Martin: This is what I call a superpower, because when I, I was met, you know, really in a mess when I, I left to start this journey of, I don't know, I went for a six month sabbatical and it lasted fourteen years that I lived out of my backpack.

For the first few months I was in a, emotionally in a mess, I was very anxious, scared, had a lot of shame and guilt about messing up my life. And I went to a monastery in Thailand, a Buddhist monastery and did a ten day vipassana, a silent meditation retreat with Buddhist monks. And I found that doing that changed how I was feeling and thinking immensely.

really calmed me down. It was like someone had turned the noise volume down in my head from 10 to 2 or something. And, um, I realized then I can move to a position of observing myself thinking the thoughts I'm thinking and feeling the feelings I'm feeling. I, I never had this understanding before I did that.

And [00:26:00] what that gave me was it simply gave me a bit more space and a few more choices and options in my thinking that I didn't have before. Because before I knew that. I literally believed every thought I had to be absolutely true and there was nothing I could do about it. And I never considered that, hang on a minute, I'm not the thought, I'm actually the person who's aware that I'm thinking that.

Angelo Santiago: Yeah.

Ray Martin: And that's a different place, you know. And this is hard to describe and I, you know, I work with this stuff most days of the week and I see people struggle to get this concept initially. And so it's hard to describe, but becoming your own observer and watching yourself from a distance to see. What I'm about to do, if I don't stop myself, is that the most helpful action I could take in this moment?

Or is there a better one that would actually serve me better? Having that moment to make that decision is vitally important. 

Angelo Santiago: Yeah. Being iale to reflect

like, is, is

the action

I'm about to take or is the thing I'm about to do is the thing I'm about to [00:27:00] say, is

that going

to help the situation or hurt it? And in the work

that I do.

that's more relationally, like it was in marriages and relationships that that takes a

a lot of self awareness. That foundation of self awareness. Who is speaking right now? Is it my adult self that's calm, centered, grounded, that's aware that I'm having these emotions comes up? Or is it my reactionary self that maybe is, you know, something that was developed in as a young kid from traumatic experiences that I have.

So, so I absolutely absolutely love those. So let me just, uh, repeat back to you. What I heard is number one, strong foundation of self awareness, being able to live from the inside out instead of the outside in being able to fully own your experience, really take responsibility for. What's happening in your life. Uh, and then, like you said, maybe that the toughest part, uh, becoming your own observer, which is like I said, that can be a very challenging thing.

So [00:28:00] for you, you establish this for yourself, you know, we've heard a little bit of your story and how it came through. 


Living a Life Aligned with Your Values
---

Angelo Santiago: Like, give us a picture of what life looks like for you right now. Like, how do you show

up both for your clients,,

for your relationships, for, What you're doing for even just like with strangers that you come across, you know, like what is life like for you now compared to what it was.

Ray Martin: Yeah, it's different in so many levels. I decided when I was in that journey, not decided is the wrong word, but I came to the revelation that owning and operating a business as a CEO was not me in my element. As much as I, like you said, I, I've managed to achieve some recognition in that role, but it felt like I was pulling a, you know, a parachute behind me, like you described.

And so it just exhausted me. I don't want to do that anymore. And I thought, well, what would be me in my element? Well, the bit of that whole business that I love the most was directly working one to one with clients. So I thought I'm [00:29:00] going to work as a freelance coach because I don't have to have any of the stresses or responsibilities.

For, for running a business and paying salaries and all the things that go with this million things, I can just show up to work with people who want the support and help, and I'll be there and I, and I can focus almost all of my energy and effort on that. And that's what I've been doing ever since. And it's been lovely.

This is a different life financially because you earn a lot more money sometimes in the CEO role, but I don't mind that because there's a price for every consequence and decision that we make and I'm, I'm happy to pay that price.

Angelo Santiago: Yeah,

Ray Martin: my sense of fulfillment is huge and that's led me into becoming parts of really great teams that I'm a member of some become belong to great communities of people are doing that kind of work and it's just opened up a whole new life for me living and I bring that excitement and passion to people I work with because I feel we're all you me everyone we're all [00:30:00] in the journey of trying to find our way home that put to that place of inner peace to that place where we're at our home.

Absolutely. Most quiet is calmest where we've got this connection to our innate well being. That's what we're all trying to do. We're all trying to help each other work out how to do that. And so I, that's what I see myself as doing when I came with people is helping them find their way home. We're all sort of a bit lost sometimes.

I appreciate that you brought up the piece on sometimes we have to make these decisions of, yeah, the

Ray Martin: Yeah,

Angelo Santiago: piece is a real aspect of our life experience, right? Especially

Ray Martin: yeah,

Angelo Santiago: we have families and we have children and we need to provide for them. And, um, there's all the things of like, have enough to put food on the table for myself?

And, and,

Ray Martin: yeah,

Angelo Santiago: so yes, there is the real life experience of. Is this thing that I desire to do that? It feels like my purpose that feels like my calling it. It's going to be a [00:31:00] challenge versus should I just do this thing? That's a little bit easier and provides me the luxuries or the safety or the comfort that I have. Um,

Ray Martin: yeah.

Angelo Santiago: It's,

Ray Martin: Although I

Angelo Santiago: you've got to

Ray Martin: challenge you, Angelo, on that statement, because I actually don't think I actually don't think it is easier because if you make the choice to do something that's That's not you in your element, and it's not in alignment with your values. The effort factor becomes huge, and it can lead to burnout, stress, you know, illness, you're crabby with your kids, you know, all sorts of repercussions come from that, which then add to the pressure and the stress of it, and it compounds.

I don't know, this is why I think it's such a delicate thing to look at, and why it's good to do that with someone. Because There's no easy answers to some of these questions, there's, there's, there's options that emerge and some of them are very tough choices, but I think, you know, finding a pathway through that is so vital because, you know, you might [00:32:00] provide financially for your family, but who wants a dad who's completely stressed out, unavailable emotionally, shut down, you know, not paying, not giving his undivided attention when it's most important, all of those things that happen.

Angelo Santiago: Yeah, I completely, completely agree with you.

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: I'm, you know, the point I was trying to make is just the reality that people that, that what you said is like, these are, these may seem like hard choices.

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: and, you know, yes, on paper they are, but once you then, like you said, live from the inside out and actually take a look, like what's it doing? To me internally, how am I showing up for my family, for my friends, for myself? How am I taking care of my health? all I'm doing is focusing from the outside in. So I love that that is a key piece of your story and

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: you, you help people with, um,

Ray Martin: Yeah. Correct.

Angelo Santiago: kind of. Wrapping this up. I'm curious, like, is there anything that you came onto this podcast that you were like, you know what, I really [00:33:00] want to share this with the listeners, but we haven't had a chance to touch on it.

Or is there something that we started talking about, but you want to go a little bit deeper in that's on your heart. I want to just give you. The mic here for, for a moment.




The Journey of Reinvention
---

Ray Martin: You know, I, I spent 14 years in a journey of reinvention and met hundreds of really great, wise people, teachers. I did retreats with Thich Nhat Hanh a couple of times and he was the most brilliant. One of the most beautiful men I've ever had the pleasure to be with.

He died two years ago. I've been in retreats in Dharamsala with the Dalai Lama, you know, the privilege of doing some brilliant workshops with different people. So it's a lot to encapsulate. This is one of the reasons I wrote the book because there was so much to share. It's hard to pick one thing. But one of the things my editors asked me to do when I wrote the book was to tease out from the entire journey, The six things that I'd, five or six things that I'd learned is the wisdom that had been gathered.

And so I wrote these six rules for [00:34:00] happiness in the final chapter. And some of those things I've been talking to you about already, you know, so that's where the course foundation and things like that come from. And the six rules for happiness, I think are worth pointing towards as being things that people might consider for themselves because the others we didn't talk about would be a building powerful and sustainable relationships where there's intentionality in the way you design them.

So if you and me ended up like working in an office together in a company. I could just drift into that and sort of say come to work every day and just let it unfold in its own way, or I could sit down with you right at the beginning and say, look, we're probably going to work together for two or three years.

Um, how can we use our working relationship to really empower each other to think about, What's your vision for life? I'll tell you mine. You tell me yours. Let's see how we can support each other to really materialize the visions we have for ourselves at our best. How would you like that kind of working relationship?

And we can give each other [00:35:00] feedback. We can help each other grow. How's that? You know, being intentional about these things is one of the habits I really advocate strongly for. And, uh, and, and so I've put a couple more in there as well. So they might be of interest to people listening.

Angelo Santiago: Beautiful. That's a great little teaser. Tell us about the book. Tell us, uh, if people want to connect with you,

Ray Martin: Yeah.

Angelo Santiago: out to you? What's the best, where to find you if they have

Ray Martin: Yep.

Angelo Santiago: more about your journey or possibly even about their own journey that they're like, you know,

Ray Martin: Yep.

Angelo Santiago: to get Ray's take on it.

Ray Martin: Great. I had, when I left, by the way, to heal myself, I had no intention of writing a book. I would have never thought of that. But people kept, who I met, who talked to me and I spent an evening with chatting and they asked me about how I started this travel journey. When I finished those conversations, some of them often said, if you ever write a book about this, will you email me?

Because I'd really like to read it. And I laughed and said, there's no way I'm doing that. But [00:36:00] after about 50 people had said that, like three or four years in. I knew it was another one of those confirmation signals. I knew the universe wanted me to write. So I did write the book eventually. Um, there's, there's a website called LifeWithoutATie.Com, which got all of the information about the journey, but this is the books, what it looks like life without a tie and, um, And, and I'm obviously on LinkedIn as well and some, that's the main place I tend to be really active because a lot of my clients are in that world. Um, and people can reach out either of both ways if they want any further info, that would be a good start.

Angelo Santiago: Beautiful Ray. And I'll have a link to the website and your LinkedIn profile in the show notes, if anybody wants to get in touch with you,

Ray Martin: great.


Final Thoughts and Reflections
---

Angelo Santiago: so much for being here before we say goodbye. I want to invite you into a little bit of a visualization that I like to do with all my guests, just to see kind of what are the final words that you want to share here with myself and those that [00:37:00] are listening.

So if you feel good, I invite you to take a nice deep breath and close down your eyes. And if you're listening or watching along. Feel free to join us. And Ray, you find yourself on an open field. Thousands of men are with you and you are about to address the world. You begin to speak, and I want you to finish this sentence. We are the men who. 

Ray Martin: We are the men who carry the torch that lights the way for kind of life that we envision at its absolute finest.

Angelo Santiago: Beautiful Ray carrying the torch. Thank you so much. Thank you for joining us on. We are the men. [00:38:00] It would mean the world to me. If you could support my vision of helping men all over the world, please take a

moment to

hit that subscribe or follow button and leave a comment or a rating. All of us know men who could benefit from hearing these conversations. I'm Angelo Santiago and we are the men.