Why Men Struggle with Change

In this  episode of We Are The Men, I explore the psychological barriers men face when embracing change and offer practical steps to overcome them. By understanding why our brains resist change and finding the right motivation, I encourage all men to adopt a growth mindset. I make sure to discuss the importance of stress balance and community support, and highlight the role of men's groups in fostering accountability and lasting behavioral changes. 

There's also a big change coming to this podcast, which I share about at the conclusion of the episode.
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Connect with Angelo
Website: https://www.angelosantiago.com/
Email: angelo@angelosantiago.com
YT: https://www.youtube.com/@weare.themen

00:00 Introduction: The Challenge of Change
00:53 A Personal Story: Fear of Change Among Friends
02:54 Understanding Men's Fear of Change
04:12 Criticism and Self-Esteem
06:31 Reframing Change: Growth vs. Fixed Mindset
08:44 The Brain's Resistance to Change
11:02 The Role of Stress in Motivating Change
12:21 Finding Your Motivation for Change
13:43 The Importance of Support
15:52 Steps to Embrace Change
18:33 Celebrating Milestones and Announcing Big Changes
19:43 Introducing 'Better Husband'
22:22 Final Thoughts and Farewell

Transcript

Why Men Struggle with Change
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[00:00:00] 


Introduction: The Challenge of Change
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Angelo Santiago: We all have something in our life that we know could use some change, whether it's a career change or health habits, ways we interact with our spouses or kids, how we talk to ourselves or anything else. It doesn't take an expert to see that something needs to change. Then why is it so hard to actually take the steps necessary to make the change?

Today we're going to dive deep into why we resist change The psychology behind it and how we can finally make lasting changes in our lives without feeling defeated. I'm also going to share a big change. That's coming to this podcast at the end of the episode. So thank you for being here and let's get started.




A Personal Story: Fear of Change Among Friends
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Angelo Santiago: Welcome back to We Are The Men. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I want to start today's podcast with a story that maybe you can [00:01:00] relate to. And it's a story of just guys being friends. Young guys. Think back to your middle school years or your high school years, and you had your group. And you guys all did the same thing.

You had the same interests. You, you knew the same jokes. You liked the same movies, the same music, the games, the sports, whatever it was that brought you guys together, that bonded you, that made you feel connected and part of something that was critically important. And then in that story, there's always the first, there's always the one, and maybe it was you, or maybe you witnessed it with one of your friends, but it was That kind of strayed.

And maybe they strayed because they got into a new band or they started liking a new sport or maybe there was a girl involved and they found new interests. Suddenly they were no longer part of your crew and your group. You kind of thought to yourself, what the heck happened? And maybe there was a little bit of resentment.

Maybe there's a little sadness, a little grief you [00:02:00] couldn't really process. And all that came to mind the next time you saw that guys, you know what, man? You've changed. You're not the guy I remember. You're not the guy who was my friend growing up who we went through all that stuff. You've changed. And like that was looked at as a negative thing because at the time it was important for us to be connected, for us to be bonded.

And for a lot of men, that story kind of shows the fear of change, the fear of moving on from what's comfortable, the fear of standing out, the fear of being alone, the fear of not fitting in with a specific group or identity. And sometimes it's an identity to yourself. Change disrupts What you know, what you think, you know, at least, and what you're comfortable with.


Understanding Men's Fear of Change
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Angelo Santiago: And so today I really want to focus on this idea of change and why men [00:03:00] often resist change or are uncomfortable with change, or sometimes change feels. like betrayal or change could lead to isolation. And so I want to get into men's fear of change, why our brain is wired actually against change and why it's so challenging and finding the balance between stress and safety to make positive change.

And finally, three actionable steps that you can take to embrace and implement positive change in your life.

So let's start with The biggest challenge, the fear of change. And maybe you can relate to this. Maybe it hasn't clicked in for you yet, but stick with me and see if you can find a moment in your life, maybe it's now, or maybe it's been in the past where change has been kind of scary. And sometimes change comes along with somebody telling you that maybe you do need a change.

Maybe they're pointing something out to you, whether it's your doctor telling [00:04:00] you that you need to, you know, change your health habits, maybe it's your spouse saying that, like, Hey. I need more of this from you. Maybe it's a boss or a co worker being like, you're not really performing well, something has to change.


Criticism and Self-Esteem
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Angelo Santiago: And a lot of times, that becomes received in the form of criticism. We feel like we are being attacked. That what we are in the moment right now is not good enough. And that criticism feels like an attack on our identity. We feel like we're being told we're wrong. And the idea of change.

Well, sometimes that feels like an admission of being wrong. Well, I guess if I do change, that means everything I knew about myself was wrong.

The truth is that most of us guys, and be honest guys, I know this is true for many of us, we don't handle criticism very well. It feels like a hit to our ego, a hit to who we are, and it . Often, and I know [00:05:00] for me, it brings me back to my younger years of wanting to fit in and wanting to be liked and wanting to have friends and wanted to have fun.

And if somebody was calling me out and telling me that something was wrong with me, I didn't take it very well. For some of us, that means we shrunk down and kind of hid and tried to stay out of the target zone of other people's criticism. And for others, it meant we fought back, right? It was that fight or flight. Whatever it is your coping mechanism was in your youth to deal with criticism, it probably lingers up to this day, unless you've done some real focused work on it.

The truth is nobody likes being told that something's wrong with them or that they are inadequate in any way. And in a book by Nathaniel Brandon called The Psychology of Self Esteem, which was published back originally in 1969, it specifically highlights how men often associate change with feelings of inadequacy and how self [00:06:00] esteem plays a significant role in resistance to change.

So, that means if you look at your self esteem and base it on your performance, on what you do, of how productive you are, how successful you are, and somebody tells you suddenly, that's not good enough, or you're not meeting expectations, you now see that, oh, it's me, I'm the problem.

It can also be seen as this idea that, oh man, I did something wrong. I should have known better. I should have gone left instead of going right. And now there's the shame involved with it.




Reframing Change: Growth vs. Fixed Mindset
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Angelo Santiago: And how I want to start the conversation here is to reframe the concept of change, right? Change isn't about being wrong. Isn't it about necessarily doing something wrong? It's about realizing that maybe you didn't know everything when you started.

I often see with clients and with myself when I look in the mirror this idea that well, I started something This is the plan I made this is how I was gonna get from point A to point B But suddenly I'm in the middle of this road trip and it's [00:07:00] not going well And instead of taking a moment to reflect and reconsider my decisions I stick to the plan because I don't know.

My ego takes a hit when I admit that, oh, you know what? I didn't know this when I started.

And a lot of times that idea makes me think that I'm a failure. Or makes me think that the decisions I've made have led to failure in whatever my endeavor was. But this is the difference between having a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. Men really need to be able to adopt this idea of a growth mindset that in the process of challenges and possibly not succeeding at something, there is learning and that learning leads to growth and that growth leads to the opportunity to try something again in a new way with something that is completely different than what you had at the beginning.

Instead of this fixed mindset of being like, no, no, [00:08:00] no, this is my way. And I'm going to keep going and bang my head up against this wall. Cause I know it's going to work. Well, that's only going to lead to more challenges. And at the point of which you finally realize that something needs to change. You've kind of gone too far.

I want to really reinforce that change isn't admitting that you're wrong. It's not saying that I'm not good enough. It's not saying that I screwed up. Oh, man, I deserve to be punished. It's a sign of growth. Being willing to change is healthy. So if change isn't about being wrong and it's healthy, then why do we still resist it?

Well, that leads to my next point, and it's all about our brains, our psychology. 


The Brain's Resistance to Change
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Angelo Santiago: Our brains resist change because it actually wants comfort, and it wants efficiency, it wants ease. Change requires effort. And it actually is calorically expensive to expend that effort to [00:09:00] create change. So unless there's something terribly wrong, like our safety is at stake, brain is going to encourage us to let things just stay the same.

Think about it. If you're sitting on the couch and you're watching a show, you're not going to move unless you either need to get up to go to the bathroom or you get hungry or you get too cold. or something bothers you enough about what you're watching that makes you change it. Your body is really happy in this level of comfort and not spending any energy.

Developing new habits and taking the actions required to make long term change actually takes a lot of time and a lot of work for the brains too. In an article of the Harvard Review of Psychiatry, as well as, you could find articles like this absolutely everywhere with the amount of study that's been done on this, but this one called The Neuroscience of Change, The Brain's Resistance to New Behavior, showed that the brain forms new [00:10:00] neural pathways based on repeated behavior, really making it harder to adopt new habits on a one shot just picking up and trying something new.

This means when you start a new workout routine or you start working on habits that are less than ideal for you, or you're trying to improve communication in your relationship, whatever it is that you're trying to do, your brain has a desire to stay in the comfort zone. That's why change can be so hard.

It's not about being lazy. It's not about not wanting this thing that you know is good for you. It's about the survival mechanism of the brain that wants. Comfort and repetitiveness and knowing how things are meant to be.

But if a big part of us knows that this change is for the better, how do we go from comfort to change? What actually needs to happen for that switch to flip, to develop these new neural pathways and create lasting change, that's going to become the [00:11:00] better way for our life in the future.


The Role of Stress in Motivating Change
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Angelo Santiago: Well, if comfort is the thing that's keeping us from change, then we gotta look at having discomfort, having a level of stress to realize that something has to change, and something that pushes us, like an actual motivation. You hear people who have changed their lives from being homeless to being millionaires

Or for struggling with addiction and hitting rock bottom to suddenly having a, what appears to be a miraculous life that's filled with joy and freedom. All of those came from a level of stress and discomfort that forced them into action. But there's a catch. If you create way too much stress, then that's going to be overwhelming.

That could actually lead to more fear and actually prevent you from making change.

Over a hundred years ago, in 1908, psychologists Robert Yerkes and John Dodson did some studies and they came up with what is now referred to as the Yerkes Dodson Law.

And what this [00:12:00] shows is that a moderate amount of stress actually improves your performance, but too much stress leads to overwhelm.

If you can imagine a bell curve, you want to be in that sweet spot where there's something motivating you forward, but it's not so scary. There's a level of safety that actually encourages you to do it. So it's not too much.


Finding Your Motivation for Change
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Angelo Santiago: And that's why when I work with people and you've probably read this in books and other sort of personal development guides that when you are looking to change, First, find your motivation. What's your why? That's that thing that's, that's that stress. What's the leverage that's going to cause a desire for change in you?

Sometimes it's positive. Sometimes it's negative. You have to decide.

Let's look at it in health, right? A negative leverage would be your doctor telling you that your cholesterol is too high, or your body fat percentage is out of control, and if you don't make any changes, you are knocking years off of your life, and you won't get to see [00:13:00] those with your family, with your kids, you won't get to have longevity, which is something that we probably all want.

Another way of looking at that is, well, I want to be healthy because I want to be able to carry my son or my children wherever I go and not feel like I'm too tired to play with them. That's positive leverage. These are the things that I actually want that make me feel good.

It's important for you to figure out what that level of stress is that's going to guide you towards the thing that you want. And then at the same time, really find a way that creates a level of safety, a level of encouragement, a level of possibility that this thing that you are seeking to change doesn't feel so farfetched.


The Importance of Support
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Angelo Santiago: And this for me comes in the form of a word that I will continue to use as I work with men and it's support.

So many men seem like they have an allergy to the word support, to ask for help, to ask friends to, for accountability, for whatever it is, we [00:14:00] feel like we have to do it alone, and if you've been listening to this show at all, you know that But I keep reminding men that you are not alone. You don't have to do this alone.

You didn't get into it alone. It's not yours to fix by yourself. You have the opportunity to be supported in whatever it is you want to achieve. This is where men's groups come in. This is where coaches come in. This is where Community groups come in whatever it is that you need you need to create the ideal environment for change Having a space where you're being held accountable While being offered support to make sustainable change is an absolute game changer

This is very different than somebody holding you accountable and looking down on you when you struggle. You want people around you that are going to lift you up when things get hard.

This is what I've received and so many other men have received being in [00:15:00] container of other men. Other men who are also being challenged, other men who are also pushing themselves towards change, who want to become better husbands, better fathers, better men.

I want to reference one more study that was published in Health Psychology in 2015 called The Power of Group Support and Behavioral Change, a meta analysis. And in this study, they found that individuals who had group support were three times more likely to maintain behavior changes than those who attempted to change alone.

I mean, this is exactly why this show is called We Are The Men and not I Am The Man, right? It's about we. It's about us. It's about the collective. It's about men coming together. for joint support. Yes, we all have our individual stories, yet together, we are stronger than we are alone.

So we've talked about why change is so hard. Now let's talk about how you can make it easier for yourself. 


Steps to Embrace Change
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Angelo Santiago: So here are three steps for you to really embrace the possibility of change.

Number one. Acknowledge and [00:16:00] accept. Really recognize that change is a process of growth. Not an admission of failure. Not a belief that the way that you did it is not good enough. Not that if you don't change, you're not worthy. It's just about realizing that there's more possibility. The first step is always acknowledgement.

Just recognizing that you don't know everything and that's okay.

Next, create accountability. You're going to get support with creation of plans to make the changes that you need, asking for support, asking questions, Having people that you can reach out to when things get hard or when something comes up unexpected.

Surround yourself with other men who will challenge you and hold you accountable. We all need someone to call us back in and remind us why we're making the changes in the first place. Because when those things get tough, sometimes we forget and our brain will want to guide us back to comfort. lastly, create structure for yourself. Have a plan about [00:17:00] what it is you want to do, what you want to accomplish, what does it look like moving forward, and don't make things too hard on yourself. Remember you want just enough stress to get you going and motivate you, but not so much so that it feels like too much.

Aim for that 1 percent better every single day. Celebrate that 1 percent it takes time to build those new neural pathways.

It takes time to unlearn the old ways of being, the way that you've always done things. That structure is what's going to help both create pressure to do something and safety to know that there's a plan ahead. And if you need help, again The men's group is there. A coach is there. Whatever it is that you need for support, you got it.

Remember, change doesn't have to be a solo journey, and in fact, it's far more successful when it isn't.

So as you leave this episode, I want you to remember these things. We, as men, often resist change because sometimes it feels like an attack on our identity, of who we are. [00:18:00] Maybe it feels like an admission of failure, but it's really about growth. Remember that your brain resists change to conserve energy, and you can actually override this.

You have to step out of that comfort zone and have the stress, That's going to push you forward because that balance of enough stress and safety is key to successful change and that safety can come in the form of structure, men's groups, coaches with accountability, support, all of it is crucial for lasting transformation.

And why am I talking so much about change? 


Celebrating Milestones and Announcing Big Changes
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Angelo Santiago: Well, I kind of teased it at the beginning of the episode. There's a big change coming to. We are the men. This is the 50th episode and talk about celebration. I mean, that's huge. I've been at this for a year. Most podcasts don't make it past two, three or four episodes.

I know because the very first podcast I ever launched only made it to four episodes. So that was a learning experience. And here I am celebrating my 50th episodes. [00:19:00] And the growth of We Are The Men. And I'm about to make a big change.

We Are The Men has always been about bringing men together in community, and helping men wherever they're at, whether it's facing hardship in their life, trying to just get a little bit better, dealing with their emotional intelligence, becoming better fathers, becoming better husbands, becoming better community leaders.

Prospering financially. It's kind of been about everything, which is wonderful, but my desire has been to change this into something a little bit more focused, something that has impacted my life in such a huge way that that's what I want to keep transmitting.

And so, starting next month, We Are The Men is coming to a close to make room for something new.


Introducing 'Better Husband'
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Angelo Santiago: I'm excited to really listen to myself and trust myself in this change, and know that although I won't be talking about all the other things that I have been for the past year, I'm going to be focusing on the one thing that's been the most impactful in my life, and that's becoming a better [00:20:00] husband.

Starting in the first episode of November, this podcast will now be known as Better Husband. This is a place for all men to come to answer that question, how do I become a better husband? Whether you are struggling and your marriage is on the brink, Or maybe things are really good and you just want things to be slightly better.

Maybe you just got engaged and you have no idea what you're in store for. Or maybe you just have this dream of one day being an amazing husband to the person that you love. And you haven't popped the question yet, but you know that's where you're going. This podcast is for all men focused on relationship.

I'm going to be bringing the best authors, therapists, counselors,

coaches, and leaders in the space of marriage and relationship to answer the question, how do we as men become better husbands?

I'm also really interested in answering your specific questions on the podcast.

And so as you listen [00:21:00] along and you're facing a challenge in your marriage, or possibly a marriage that's coming up, I want you to send me a message. And you can always find a way to text me or email me in the show notes. And these can be completely anonymous. And all I want to know is what's going on and what do you need support with at times when I have guests on here, I will offer them the opportunity to invite a response to your question or your challenge or your desire for more information.

And at other times on these solo podcasts, I'll take on several of these questions myself.

I'm really excited for this new journey. I hope you are too. I hope you stick around in the transition. There's absolutely nothing that you need to do. This podcast will stay in the same link as you are. You'll see a new cover, you'll see a new title, and you'll see new episodes come out as Better Husband.

My ask for you is to really share this with everyone you know that you think could benefit from it.

I [00:22:00] know this is going to get big. My intention is to make this a hub of men who are dedicated to being the best husbands that they can be because I know the impact it has because I've seen it in my own life.

So, I hope you're willing to embrace this change with me and start focusing on what change needs to happen in your life. 


Final Thoughts and Farewell
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Angelo Santiago: If you're feeling stuck or afraid of change, now is the time to take action. And remember, don't do it alone. Find a men's group, connect with other men who are on a similar path, and make a commitment to evolve into the best version of yourself.

I'm Angelo Santiago, and this is me signing off from we are the men. Thank you for being a part of this journey, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or you've listened to all 50, I want to thank you for your support.

I can't wait to introduce Better Husband to the world. I hope you join me and become a part of this new community and I'll see you on the next [00:23:00] one.