005|Why Gratitude Could Save Your Marriage

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What if I told you that gratitude could be the missing ingredient in your marriage that changes everything? In this episode we'll explore how practicing gratitude can strengthen and possibly save your marriage. I'll discuss common mistakes men make, actionable steps to enhance your relationship, and highlight research-backed benefits of gratitude for mental health and relationship satisfaction. 

Make sure to check this out if you are looking for practical exercises to start implementing gratitude in your daily life and how to share this practice with your partner for a happier, more connected marriage.
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Connect with Angelo
Website: https://www.angelosantiago.com/
Email: angelo@angelosantiago.com
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00:00 Introduction to Gratitude in Marriage
01:21 Personal Journey with Gratitude
03:40 Three Takeaways From This Episode
04:09 The Power of Gratitude: Research Insights
06:07 Shifting Focus in Marriage
07:49 Encouraging Generosity Through Gratitude
09:44 Gratitude as an Antidote to Entitlement
10:43 Key Point: Can You Receive Gratitude?
12:25 Practical Gratitude Exercises
15:59 My Gratitudes and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Angelo: 0:00

if I told you that gratitude might be the thing missing in your marriage that could change everything? You see, most couples focus on what's wrong more than being grateful on what's right and that's why so many marriages fail. I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and in today's episode, we're going to focus on how gratitude could be the thing that strengthens your marriage or possibly even saves it if it feels like your marriage is on the brink of disaster. We'll talk about common mistakes that I see men make all the time, as well as give you some actionable steps that you can put into practice for yourself, but also for your marriage. If you're asking yourself the question, how can I be a better husband? Well, gratitude might be the secret that is going to give you that answer. You don't want to miss this episode, so let's get started. Welcome to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and I'm here today to help you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? So in the United States Thanksgiving has just passed. It's a holiday that's rooted in this idea of gratitude and giving thanks for what you have. And it's something that over the years I've always kind of like pushed aside and just been annoyed by it to be honest when we have to sit around the table and talk about our gratitudes. But so much has changed recently in my life that I realize like, Wow, why wouldn't I want to be grateful for all these things? Why, why am I so hesitant to share with others, to speak it out loud, to actually tell the people that I'm grateful for what I'm grateful about them and the aspects of my life that I am grateful for. Now, I'm not here to say that we need to wear rose colored sunglasses and pretend like everything is great and everything is good in our, isn't in our lives because I know that's not true and I know it's not true even in my life. There are struggles that I go through. There are challenges in my life that I wish weren't happening, but they're here. They're real and I do have to face them. But that doesn't mean that I take away from the things that I am grateful for. There's a great line in a Robert Louis Stevenson poem that says, The man who forgets to be thankful has fallen asleep in life. And when I heard that for the first time, I felt the weight of it. I felt the reality that if I'm just walking around life, one, either looking at all the things that are not going right, or two, just not appreciating anything, then am I really living? Am I really awake and alive to the, that is in my life. And sometimes when we get married, we see that beauty, we feel it in our hearts, we feel that love, we see the possibility of what life could become for me and my wife and this new journey that we're going on. And then a lot of life's reality makes that journey more challenging. But the question is, even in the face of those challenges, can I see the beauty still? And if I can, that is going to help me bring it into my marriage, into my relationship, to call my partner in to more love and connection. And I'll enjoy it more and she'll enjoy it more. And that's what I'm inviting you to do of today. The three things I want you to take away from this conversation today are the benefits that gratitude have for your marriage and how you as a husband can be the one that brings it into your marriage. So those three things are, one, gratitude shifts the focus of what it is that you're seeing in your marriage. Number two is that gratitude encourages generosity in your marriage. And number three. It's an antidote to entitlement. Now I'm going to break those three down a little bit more, but before I do, let me just start off with some important research that's been done on gratitude because this isn't something I'm just making up. There's been countless studies and I want to break it down for those of you that are more in the logical, let me see the facts. Let me see the data. There's data out there. So in 2015, a study in the journal of personality and social psychology found that expressing gratitude strengthens relationships. It helps your partner feel valued seen and heard and supported, which is such a critical aspect of relationship. Not only that, but for you alone, expressing gratitude has benefits to your mental health. So Research published in the clinical psychology review in 2017 clearly showed that practicing gratitude reduces stress, it increases happiness, it improves overall well being, and rewires the brain to focus on practicing gratitude. positive rather than negative. I've said this before and I've heard it before so many times that when we put our focus on the positive, on the things that we are looking for and striving for, it will encourage us to go in that direction. Whereas if all we're looking is for the mistakes and the, the, the errors and the things where it's not working out, That's all we're going to see. So with these two studies, think about it. One, your gratitude practice is going to build more connection in your marriage. You will be a stronger couple because of it. Your partner will feel more loved and appreciated and cherished, which are incredibly important in bonding the two of you, in creating a partnership and a marriage filled with love. And two, you're going to feel better. You're going to focus on the things in your life joy, that bring you happiness, and that's what you're going to be bringing into your house every single day. So the first point I wanted to make, that gratitude shifts focus, is something I just talked about, but I want to emphasize it in the marriage space. Right, like if you come home and there's dishes in the sink, or something that you expected to be done is not done, it's really easy to focus on that thing. And to make up this story that, Well, this is how it always is. I'm always the one that has to take care of X, Y, Z, or she never does this, even though she says she's going to, and that becomes your focus. And then that's the life that you live. You're constantly looking for things that your partner isn't doing. But if you're able to take a moment and step back and be acknowledged like, okay, this thing that I'd like for it to happen is not happening. But what are the things that are happening? What are the things that are getting done? What are the things that you can appreciate about your partner? Like, focus on those things. Put more energy into that and see what changes in you. Can you see more of those things? Are those things hidden because you're so focused on the thing that you're not getting? And if you need help in figuring out, how can I get more of what I want in my marriage? Go back a couple episodes. In one of the episodes I specifically talk about how to get more of what you want in your marriage and it deals with communication and how to ask and if you come in from a place of gratitude for what you're already getting and a request to get something that you're not getting and why it's important for you to get it, there's a good chance that you'll get that thing. But if you're just focusing on the negatives, on the complaining, on the you're not doing this right, you always do this, I can't believe I have to put up with this, that is going to be the energy in your marriage and it's just going to lead to a total breakdown of Intimacy. The next point is that gratitude encourages generosity. And what I mean by that is that there's a lot of things in marriage that we kind of take for granted. That we, we've made agreements, right? Like for me in my household is, I'll make sure that I'm the one that takes out the trash and brings back the trash bins after they get picked up. I'm the one that takes our son to school in the morning and pick him up most days. my wife is the one who makes sure that his lunch is made and ready to go. I'm the one who makes sure we have food ready and I cook dinner most nights because I enjoy cooking my wife Make sure that the dishwasher is loaded and unloaded like there are these little things that we are on autopilot And it works for us and at the same time just because it's on autopilot just because there's this expectation that like well You said you're gonna do this. I said I'm gonna do this. Let me make sure to do it Make sure you do yours. We're good That doesn't mean that we can't still express gratitude for those things that get done. The number of times that I hear from my wife and also from my son, hey thanks for cooking dinner, like this is delicious, that feels so good. And when I hear that, it makes me want to be grateful for the things that they do for me, and for our house, and for our family. It creates this positive feedback loop of generosity and gratitude by giving and receiving it just strengthens the beautiful experience of being together in gratitude in your family. And what I want to stress here is that these don't have to be huge things that your partner does for you. Right? What about appreciating the tiny, small things? Maybe you asked for a favor and they did it and it was really small. What does it look like to let them know how grateful you are? That they said yes when you asked and that they actually did the thing. These small moments of appreciation Increase the bond and the connection in your marriage. And this brings me to the third point that I want to make, that gratitude is the antidote for entitlement. In so many marriages, I hear over and over again about how they become almost these roommate like experiences, these business like experiences that's lost all sorts of intimacy. Well, when that happens, Is that, is there real appreciation for the other, for what they do, for how they are, for the love that they bring, for all these different aspects, Is there gratitude? Like, verbally spoken out and said, hey, I'm grateful that you did that thing, thank you so much, that made my life so much easier because of this. If every morning your partner makes coffee for the both of you or boils water for some tea or makes the breakfast or Whatever, however, you start your morning that they make the bed if they help clean up the closet Show some gratitude If you want a long, successful marriage, gratitude is key. Now before I get into a couple things that you can actually take action on, I wanna mention one key point, that it's one thing for you to give gratitude, to say you're thankful, to share your appreciation with your partner. It's another thing for you to allow yourself to receive that back So many men that I've worked with struggle with receptivity of gratitude. When somebody says thank you to them or somebody has so much appreciation or tells that they love them, they kind of brush it off like, oh, it's no big deal. That's just something I do. Don't worry about it. And it comes from a place of trying to be humble. And I get it. It's a beautiful thing of just like, Hey, I'm here to do this. You don't have to thank me. But what that's really doing is closing the door. It's closing the door on connection because this person who wants you to receive this appreciation, they're feeling a little bit pushed away because you're pushing them away. And if you remember that positive feedback loop that I talked about where you're giving gratitude and the other person is giving it back to you, there has to be a receptivity. You have to be open to it because if you're giving and then they try and give back and you kind of push it away or feel like it's no big deal, then you're putting a stop to that loop. If you struggled to receive Gratitude and appreciation then here's a little tip for you when somebody says thank you for something when somebody says hey They're really grateful that you did this thing for them. If your first reaction is to be like, hey, no big deal Don't worry about it. Hey, you know Take a breath Take a moment. Let the words land and Just say you're welcome You can also say something like well, thank you for noticing that thank you for appreciating me. I really That makes me feel good Okay, so now that you understand the three reasons why gratitude matters in your marriage and how it's going to make you a better husband, and you understand the importance of you being able to receive that gratitude, now let's get into some practical exercises that you can do today. I think it's really important that before you can actually start expressing gratitude to others, you allow yourself to feel internal gratitude. For you to feel it for yourself and to actually explore the gratitudes you have in your life. So in this little practice, I just want you to have a journal or a scrap piece of paper, and if that's a challenge for you, maybe just do it internally in your mind. And every night before you go to bed, give me three things that you're grateful for. in your life that you can look around and express some gratitude for. Maybe it's the bed that you're lying in. Maybe it's the food that you got to eat today. The conversation you had with The person you have, next to you in your bed. the job that you have. The, the money that you've received in the last paycheck that it's allowing you to buy presents during this holiday season. Like whatever it is, whatever it is that you Big or small, the air to breathe, the, you know, warm water to take a shower, start doing that for yourself every single day. And take a moment as you write these things, not to be just like factual and like, okay, I'm grateful for this, done. Take a moment to reflect why. Why is having that thing that you're grateful for important in your life? And as you do that, I want you to pay attention to how this shifts your mood throughout the day. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, as you're actively looking around your life and seeing like, what can I be grateful for today? Once you feel comfortable with that, I would invite your partner to join you in that practice. Have them do the same thing, if they want to. Have their own gratitude journal, or think about it in their minds, the things that they're grateful for and reflecting why that's important. And when you feel ready, start sharing those things with each other. And you can just start sharing about things in your life that you're grateful for. And then have one of those things be about the other person. What are you grateful for about them? Is there something they did for you in that day? Is there a general feeling that you get when you're around them? Is there a specific thing that you're looking forward to that you're grateful that you get to do that together? Share that with each other. Take a moment, one at a time, to give. And when you hear that, allow yourself to receive it. And then give another gratitude back to that person. Start creating that positive feedback loop in your marriage. Find a time where this works for both of you. Maybe it is right before bed as you're going to sleep, or maybe it's at the dinner table, or maybe it's when you wake up in the morning as the start of your day together. I really encourage you to make this a daily practice Even if it feels awkward or strange or uncomfortable, just keep practicing it. Everything you do in your life when you first start it is not gonna feel perfect. There may be days where you're having a hard time finding something to be grateful for. Those are the days that you're being put to the test. So, when things are good, It's easy to look around and say, I'm grateful for this, for that, and the other, and then when you have a really hard day, can you still come back to gratitude? Again, not to minimize the challenge that you're facing, the struggle, the pain, the suffering, those are there, but to take a moment and express gratitude for something That you do have. Let me take a moment to express gratitude to you for listening to these words. For taking time out of your day to hear what I have to say. I am extremely grateful that I get to do this for a living, that I get to help men be better husbands, that marriages can change because of the work that I've been blessed to be able to do. I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful for my family and the support and all the opportunities that I have to keep sharing this message. I want to close out in reminding you that gratitude is an incredibly powerful tool. That you can be a better husband by bringing it into your marriage, by inviting your partner to have a gratitude practice with you. Remember, it's going to do three really important things. It's going to shift the focus of what you're seeing in your marriage. It's going to encourage generosity between you and your partner, and it's going to be the antidote to any entitlement that feels like it's present. in your marriage for the things that you do for each other you move on to the next podcast episode or getting started on work or finishing this drive, whatever it is that you're doing as you're listening to this, I want you to take a moment and make a commitment to practice some gratitude for yourself, for the life that you have, for the things that you have, and do that right now. Think of three things that you're grateful for and speak them out loud. And when you feel ready, talk to your partner about creating whatever gratitude practice you want to have in your marriage, knowing that this will strengthen and possibly even save Remember, be open to receiving gratitude. Let it sink in. Let the truth of the words that are being shared with you just fill you up. I want to help you be a better husband by making sure that you have not fallen asleep on the life that you have. Because you don't want to wake up one day and look around and see that it's all gone. Robert Louis Stevenson says, the man who forgets to be thankful has fallen asleep in life. So let's be thankful, let's practice gratitude, Let's be the better husband our spouse deserves.