Navigating Sexual Frustration in Marriage—And How to Fix It
Introduction: Understanding Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Angelo: Have you ever felt like you and your wife are on completely different pages when it comes to sex? Maybe you're craving more intimacy and she seems distant, or maybe she's the one asking for more and you're the one pulling back. Either way, the frustration and hurt can start to build, creating distance and resentment in your marriage, which then starts to show up in other, unrelated aspects of your marriage.
Here's the important thing for every man listening to know. Differing sex drives is one of the most common issues couples face, and it's not about who's right or wrong, it's about understanding what's really going on beneath the surface and finding a way to reconnect.
This issue is so common that in couples therapy, the term for it is called sexual desire discrepancy, or sometimes referred to as the desire gap.
Today, we're going to unpack How to bridge that gap and talk about how to create a long healthy sex life that works for both of you. Stick around because this is a topic that can transform not just your sex life, but your entire marriage.
Angelo: Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach. And today we're diving into one of the most sensitive and important topics in marriage, managing differing sex drives.
We'll explore why this issue is so common, the impact it has on your relationship, and most importantly, what you can do about it. By the end of this episode, you'll have actionable steps to take that can help you and your wife reconnect both emotionally, physically, and sexually. And if this is something you're struggling with personally and you want to connect with me to go a little bit deeper on your specific situation, know that you can reach out to me by email or set up a free 30 minute consultation.
The links for both of those in the show notes.
A Common Marital Issue: My Client's Story
Angelo: So let's start off by talking about why this issue comes up in so many marriages and I'll start off how I like to Share most topics with a story So one of my clients and we'll call him James in this scenario came to me feeling really frustrated he wanted more sex in his marriage, but his wife really seemed distant to him and Uninterested and the more he brought it up The more she pulled away,
When we started to look into it and I invited him to check in and actually ask his wife about what was going on for her and how she felt , she shared with him that she felt pressured and kind of disconnected in their marriage, which didn't make her want to be sexual with him.
Does this sound familiar to you? If it does, I want you to keep on listening because this is both a super common problem in marriages, and there are steps you can take to fix it. Here's what we did. When we unpacked the entire situation, it became clear that the issue wasn't just about sex. It was about intimacy.
Intimacy isn't just one thing, and that's where a lot of couples get stuck. There are actually several categories of intimacy, and they all matter in a relationship. Here are the ones I want you to know about.
Exploring Different Types of Intimacy
Angelo: The first one, emotional intimacy. This is about sharing feelings, being vulnerable, and creating a safe space for open communication with each other.
This is about feeling truly seen and heard by your partner. The next one is physical intimacy. Now this one is non sexual, so this is non sexual touch, like hugging, cuddling, or holding hands. These moments of affection build closeness and trust with your partner.
The next one is the one we're talking about, sexual intimacy. The physical and emotional connection that comes through sex. It's about understanding and honoring each other's desires and boundaries. Next, there's relational intimacy, how you work together as partners, how you build trust, how you support each other.
Port each other and how you show each other that you're on the same team. And also there's intellectual intimacy, sharing thoughts, ideas, engaging in meaningful conversations. It's a more of a mental connection, but it keeps this level of curiosity alive with each other. And lastly, there's spiritual intimacy, and this is finding alignment in your values and your beliefs or your life purpose.
And this can be shared faith practices or simply supporting each other's own personal growth.
Now, why it's important to understand these different categories of intimacies is that when some or several of these are out of balance, it affects the entire relationship. So, back to James. His wife felt like their relationship had become transactional with little time for connection or fun.
She felt the emotional and relational intimacy were missing. James, on the other hand, was really wanting more sexual intimacy in his marriage. What we had to do is look at all the categories of intimacy for their specific relationship and focus on where each one could be improved. For James, that meant prioritizing emotional intimacy by listening to his wife more deeply
and learning a little bit about sharing his own emotions. It also meant increasing physical intimacy in non sexual ways, like cuddling or holding hands without any expectation of sex.
I also invited James to look at What other aspects of intimacy that he wanted that were beyond the sexual so that when he was asking for something from his wife, it wasn't always about sex. And this is one of the actionable items that I'm going to offer you at the end of this episode of what you can do if you keep asking and it's not working out for you.
So, this story with James and his wife might resonate with you, whether you're the one asking for more sex or the one pulling back. Either way, the key is to stop seeing sex as the problem and start looking at the relationship as a whole.
Now, before I get into how to work on each of these categories of intimacy, I do want to make a quick note here.
Addressing Biological and External Factors
Angelo: There are other reasons why differing sex drives happen and sometimes they're a little bit more complicated than the intimacy levels that are out of balance.
And these reasons, it's very critical for you to really know your partner. And depending on how connected you are and how open you are about your past and your current situation with each other, you may or may not know these things about your partner.
The first one is coming to an understanding that there are biological factors that affect sex drive. Different hormonal changes, stress, fatigue, all these things can impact the desire.
When I work with clients, I really coach them to become attuned to their partners, to try and understand how they're feeling in the moment, what's going on in their lives beyond the relationship, to try and understand what external factors are impacting whatever the situation may be. In this case, sexual desire and sexual drive.
Another issue to always consider is children and the postpartum period. Having kids can create a significant physical and emotional barriers to intimacy. I don't want that to be an excuse in any relationship, but it is a fact
during the postpartum period, physical recovery, sleep deprivation, and the demands of parenting can make sex feel like the last thing on your mind.
And even the time and energy required to care for children often takes away the attention from your marriage. But rebuilding your sex life requires intentional effort to carve out the space for connection. So when I work with a client who has kids, we always look at, Okay, how can we take time to prioritize the marriage, even though it seems like the kids are always the center of attention.
Now, the last factor that I want to bring up is quite serious. There are, of course, many people who have dealt with sexual trauma.
And when one or both partners have had past experiences of traumas, that can make it difficult to feel safe, connected, or open to sexual intimacy, even if the relationship is strong and there's a lot of trust there. Trauma can create barriers to desire, whether it manifests in avoidance, fear, or emotional shutdown.
If this one resonates with you or your partner, it's essential to address it with care. Trauma isn't something you should try and fix on your own. My recommendation is to seek with a trauma certified therapist. Trauma work takes time and requires safety and support from a qualified professional.
Now understanding those factors, I want to bring us back to the categories of intimacy that I started off with. If you feel ready to start working on those, having considered what I just shared, then let's get going.
Steps to Reconnect and Build Intimacy
Angelo: Here are six steps that I want you to start focusing on. The first one is focus on emotional intimacy first. Emotional safety is the foundation for physical intimacy. So start by asking yourself, Am I prioritizing emotional connection in our relationship? For a lot of men that I work with, this can be a challenge because they're not attuned to their own emotions.
And when they aren't, how can they be attuned to their partner's emotions? Sometimes emotions can be scary things because we weren't brought up as young boys talking about them or experiencing them or really learning about how to express them with each other, let alone a partner.
Now, if you struggle with naming your emotions or even being able to talk about them, then let me break them down to seven primary feelings. From here, there's of course, like primary colors, there's a variety that extend, then mix and get a little bit more detailed. But these are the seven I want you to consider.
And as I say them, think about which ones you feel really comfortable sharing, feeling, talking with others about, and which ones you tend to either numb out or hide or repress or try to avoid altogether. Ready? Here they are. Joy. Pain. anger fear, shame, guilt, love.
There is a good practice for you here where you can spend Some time at the end of each day just thinking , when did I feel joy today?
When did I feel anger today? When did I feel shame today and just go through these seven primary feelings and acknowledge when they came up for you? This is a way for you to start connecting with your emotions.
And from that point on, as you schedule more time for connection to build emotional intimacy with your partner, like a date night or simply talking without distractions, see how it feels for you to start sharing more about your emotions with your wife and ask her about hers. And actually, can you sit with whatever her emotions are?
So let's move on to the second thing you can do to bridge the desire gap. If you are the one constantly asking for sex, I want you to take some time and stop asking. And start connecting. I sometimes advise men to stop asking for sex for a set period of time, maybe it's a week, maybe it's 30 days, and focus on building relational intimacy.
This creates a safe space for you and your wife to re engage without feeling the pressure for sex.
The next one are for those of you who are parents. If you're navigating life with children, I want you to first acknowledge the physical and emotional challenges your wife may be facing. Ask her what she needs to feel supported and connected.
Maybe, depending on how old your kids are, she just may need some more support around the house. Maybe she needs a little bit more down time for herself to take care of herself, so that she has the energy to be intimate with you. The reality is, if you don't ask her what she needs, you'll never know. And it might be a really simple shift to solve this problem.
Now, on the other hand, if you're the one pulling back, I want you to ask yourself, what's behind my resistance? Are you feeling stressed? Are you feeling disconnected from your marriage? Are you feeling unfulfilled? Being honest with yourself and your wife is the first step towards change. I also want you to explore where is your sexual energy going to?
What I'll say is that if your sexual energy is being pulled away from your marriage and directed somewhere else, there is a problem and this needs to be looked at and you need to ask yourself why and what do I need to do to make a change.
The next step I want you to consider if you are having this desired gap with your partner is communicate with curiosity and empathy. Instead of getting upset that your partner may be saying no to your sexual advances or your requests, when discussing the issue, avoid blaming and focus on understanding.
Use questions like What makes you feel the most connected to me? And what's one thing we could do to bring more intimacy into our marriage? Having those conversations is going to help you both feel more connected and move you in the right direction. And finally, I want you to try to reignite desire through playfulness.
Instead of intensity and sexuality, bring novelty and fun back into your relationship. It doesn't have to be elaborate. Sometimes small gestures like flirting or laughing together can really rekindle the spark.
As with everything that I talk about here on Better Husband, I always want to acknowledge that these steps won't change everything overnight, but they will start you on the right direction to building more sexual intimacy in your marriage.
Here's what I want you to remember. A long, healthy sex life isn't about frequency. It's more about connection. When you focus on building intimacy, whether it's emotional, relational, or any of the other categories I've shared, you're creating a space where both of you can feel safe. Valued and desired. And if you're feeling stuck with everything I've shared so far, I want you to know that you don't have to figure this out alone. I've worked with many clients on this issue and other issues in their marriage. So again, if you want to connect with me, see the link in the show notes to schedule a free 30 minute consultation.
Practical Exercises for Building Connection
Angelo: Now, before we close off, I'm going to give you four practical exercises for you to do. The first is an empathy exercise. I want you to sit down with your wife and ask, what do you need from me to feel more connected in our marriage?
Then I want you to listen without defending or interrupting. Take it all in. And when she tells you. Be generous and give that to her.
The second exercise is a reconnection ritual. I want you to choose one small intentional way to connect this week, whether it's holding hands, sharing a meal without distractions, or setting aside some time to talk. The third, I want you to reflect on your role in this situation. Ask yourself, what am I doing?
or not doing that might be contributing to this dynamic. I want you to write down one change you can make to improve the connection. And lastly, I want you to practice non sexual physical intimacy. Make time to share physical touch with your wife that isn't about leading towards sex. This can include kissing, cuddling, giving her a massage, or holding her in a tender hug.
The goal is to nurture connection and closeness without any expectations of sex, creating a safe and loving environment for intimacy to grow.
Conclusion: Bridging the Desire Gap
Angelo: So as we close out, here's what I want you to take away from this. Differing sex drives don't have to create distance in your marriage with understanding intentionality and a focus on emotional connection. You can bridge the gap and create more fulfilling relationship for both of you.
Lack of sex is a symptom of a deeper issue. And when you focus on that, everything can change.
I hope you've gotten something out of this episode that will help you become a better husband. Thank you for joining me. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.
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